


Dear Zoe Murphy...

by AddyEZ



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Letters, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety, Therapy, Unrequited Love, kinda a diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 19:31:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19026451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddyEZ/pseuds/AddyEZ
Summary: “Dear Zoe Murphy, Dr. Sherman told me to write letters to myself. I don’t want to, I’d rather write to you.”In which Evan didn’t immediately start writing letters to himself to build his confidence. He wrote letters to Zoe, saying everything he wished he could tell her.These letters follow the events of Dear Evan Hansen and Evan’s feelings towards himself and Zoe





	Dear Zoe Murphy...

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work, the idea came to me as I was listening to, “If I Could Tell Her” and I decided, “Why not?”

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
Dr. Sherman told me to write letters to myself. I don’t want to, I’d rather write to you.  
I saw you dance today. I walked past the chorus room and I saw you dancing with your friends as you sang. You were happy and beautiful and perfect and a million worlds away from me. I wanted to watch longer, but the teacher looked my way. I ran off.  
I could never be with someone like you. Someone who could dance with such reckless abandon. I wish I could. I’d ask to dance with you.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
Dr. Sherman specified the letters must be to myself. To “build my confidence” or some crap like that. I’m going to keep writing to you anyways.  
You dyed your hair today. Indigo streaks that match your eyes. I wanted to tell you it looked really pretty, that you looked really pretty, but your friends were always there. I’d mess it up anyways. My hands would sweat too much and then I’d have to dry them and most people don’t do that and I’m weird, I’m sorry. What’s new?  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
You fought with your friends this morning. You teared up, but ran away before anyone could see. I know the feeling, running away before anyone sees. I wanted to follow you, but I didn’t. Words would fail.  
I saw you later, in the library during lunch. I eat in there too, at the desks in the corner where no one can see. Eating in public is stressful, you know? On second thought, you probably don’t. Never mind, anyways, you were flipping through one of those teen magazines that they keep in there. You didn’t think anyone was watching, but I saw you fill out the quizzes. I wonder if you do that a lot, or just when you’re sad or angry.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
I’m happy for you. You and your friends made up today. You smiled so wide. I love your smile, it always makes me smile. How can it not? It’s perfect, yet real. It’s subtle too, but still noticeable. I love it.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
You did a good job in science class today. No one knew that answer, yet you did. Well, I mean, I knew it but I can’t exactly raise my hand and answer... well, I could but that isn’t happening. And the greatest part is, you weren’t even paying attention. You were scribbling stars on the cuffs of your jeans, which meant you were bored and it’s really creepy that I know that, I’m sorry. The school year is almost over. I’ll be a senior. You’ll be a junior. Kinda crazy, isn’t it?  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
I saw you play in jazz band today. At the concert. You played guitar, and you had this smile on your face. Kinda like a happy inside joke going on that you were sharing with everyone else. I wanted to say hi afterwards, had the whole conversation planned out but my hands got sweaty and I freaked out and… yeah. You were beautiful though. Not just the music. Well, you probably assumed I meant looks meaning you knew I didn’t mean the music but… never mind. You were amazing. Like always.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
Well, summer passed. I’m a senior now. I wanted to say goodbye to you on the last day of school, but you didn’t know me and I never spoke to you before and my hands were sweaty and… yeah. I talked to you today though. Kinda. It wasn’t the best interaction. Connor, your brother, again it’s creepy that I know that but oh well, ran into me and he was kinda a jerk, but then you came and talked to me and I blew it. I stuttered. My hands were sweating. I apologized too much and you commented on it so it probably bothered you and I don’t want to bother you so I want to apologize more… Sorry.  
I ran into Connor again, later that day.He stole the real letter I had to give to Dr. Sherman. I wrote in it that you are my only hope. It’s true. You were. You’re not anymore because Connor has the letter now and he’s such a jerk he’ll spread it all around school and I’m so so sorry because you’ll be remebered as the girl that the sad loser had a crush on.  
You are my only hope. The thought of you keeps me going on the roughest days, the days where I can’t even order pizza, the days I swear the pills aren’t doing anything, the days Dr. Sherman doesn’t help, the days when I wished I’d climbed higher before I let go in the tree. High enough I’d either see the sun, or the fall would do more than break my arm.  
I’m sorry Zoe. I’m sorry that because of the stupid letter I wrote, your name will be tied to mine.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
Oh my god. What am I doing? Wanting to write to you about my problems when your brother just killed himself. Your parents found the letter I wrote, in Connor’s pocket. They thought it was a suicide note. They think I was Connor’s only friend. And I didn’t tell them no, I went along with the lie, I gave your parents hope, a possible connection to their lost son where there is none, I gave them hope in a boy who is almost as lost as their son.  
I’m so so sorry Zoe. I’m sorry Connor died and dragged the mess that I am into your life.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
I ate dinner with you. You seemed… you seemed so angry. At Connor. At me for being friends with him. Well, not really being friends, I didn’t even know him, just like I didn’t even know you, well, I still don’t know you I just know I want to know you more than anything else in the world.  
I know Connor wasn’t nice. I know Connor wasn’t the brother he should have been for you. I described a day at the orchard, a day I wish I could have. If I could, I’d give that day to you and Connor. Maybe then you wouldn’t hate him. Maybe then his memory could make you smile. Maybe.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
I ruined it. I ruined everything. As Jared worded it, “You tried to kiss Zoe Murphy on her brother’s bed. After he died.” I’m such a loser.  
I’m sorry Zoe, I’m so so sorry. I can’t even talk to you anymore, I’ve never even thought about kissing anyone- well, I’ve thought about kissing you but ugh! On your brother’s bed? After he died? What was I thinking! I’m sorry Zoe, I’m so sorry.  
And before that, I’d told you everything. Everything I noticed about you. Your smile. Your teen magazines. Your dancing. But you think it was Connor thinking that, and I’d feel guilty, like I put words in his mouth, but maybe the words were already there. Maybe he watched you from afar like I did.  
Or maybe he really didn’t care.  
I’m sorry Zoe. I’m so so sorry. As sorry for you as I am for Connor. For your parents. For me.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
Zoe, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, words fail. I’m sorry Connor died, I’m sorry I brought myself into your life, I’m sorry you got deceived into seeing any good in me. I’m sorry, I know it bothered you when I apologized, but maybe it makes you feel better in some way, to see me hurting like you. You were just right there and you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, and I just had to make it true. I thought you needed it a little bit too. I’m sorry the truth came out. I know everything was some sad invention, that it wasn’t real, but you were happy and I was happy and I couldn’t let it, couldn’t let you go, I had to believe that I’m not the broken parts my mom sees, that I’m not just a mess. I’m sorry you can now see it. This is why I avoided people, so they don’t see my mistakes, the worst of me.  
I love you Zoe. I always have, I always will. And I’m sorry you now have to know me. Know the me that can’t do the simplest things, the screw up, the loser, the one who can only run.  
Sincerely,  
Evan Hansen

 

Dear Zoe Murphy,  
Hi. I haven’t done this in a long while, write a letter to you. Maybe this is one I’ll actually send.  
I just saw you for the first time since the truth came out. You looked as beautiful as always. I didn’t want to meet you because I expected to feel bad. To see everything I could’ve had, but yet never did.  
But yet I don’t. I feel at peace. Yeah, I could never date you again, not without there being issues with your parents and Connor’s memory. I could never be your partner, or even your friend. But i feel at peace with what you were. You are Zoe. You’ll always be just… Zoe. And I will always love you.  
Sincerely (miss you dearly),  
Evan Hansen

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please review and leave kudos! God bless!


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